THE COMPUTER CONSULTANT
A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office depended suddenly went down. They tried everything but it still wouldn't work. Finally they decided to call in a high-powered computer consultant. He arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small hammer and tapped it on the side. Instantly the computer leapt into life. Two days later the office manager received a bill from the consultant for $1000. Immediately he called the consultant and said, "One thousand dollars for fixing that computer? You were only here five minutes! I want the bill itemized!" The next day the new bill arrived. It read, "Tapping computer with hammer: one dollar. Knowing where to tap: 999 dollars."
A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office depended suddenly went down. They tried everything but it still wouldn't work. Finally they decided to call in a high-powered computer consultant. He arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small hammer and tapped it on the side. Instantly the computer leapt into life. Two days later the office manager received a bill from the consultant for $1000. Immediately he called the consultant and said, "One thousand dollars for fixing that computer? You were only here five minutes! I want the bill itemized!" The next day the new bill arrived. It read, "Tapping computer with hammer: one dollar. Knowing where to tap: 999 dollars."
THREE ENVELOPES
A man who had just been hired as the new CEO of a large corporation met with the outgoing CEO, who gave him three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you can't solve," he said. Six months later, sales took a downturn and the new CEO was really catching a lot of heat. Uncertain about how to proceed, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The paper inside simply said, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." He did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO headed straight for the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
A man who had just been hired as the new CEO of a large corporation met with the outgoing CEO, who gave him three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you can't solve," he said. Six months later, sales took a downturn and the new CEO was really catching a lot of heat. Uncertain about how to proceed, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The paper inside simply said, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." He did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO headed straight for the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
Q: Why did the Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
A: Because Oct(31) = Dec(25)
A: Because Oct(31) = Dec(25)
Q) What's a S0C4?
A) For keeping your toes warm.
A) For keeping your toes warm.
Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”
A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.
Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
CIA – Computer Industry Acronyms
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can’t See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You’re Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
A programmer finds himself in front of a committee that decides whether he should go to Heaven or Hell. The committee tells the programmer he has a say in the matter and asks him if he wants to see either Heaven or Hell before stating his preference.
“Sure,” the programmer replies. “I have a pretty good idea what Heaven is like, so let’s see Hell.” So an angel takes the programmer to a sunny beach, full of beautiful women in skimpy bikinis playing volleyball, listening to music and having a great time. “Wow!” he exclaims, “Hell looks great! I’ll take Hell!”
Instantly the programmer finds himself in red-hot lava with demons tearing at his flesh. “Where’s the beach? The music? The women?” he screams frantically to the angel.
“That was the demo,” the angel replies as she vanishes.
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”
A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.
Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
CIA – Computer Industry Acronyms
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can’t See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You’re Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
A programmer finds himself in front of a committee that decides whether he should go to Heaven or Hell. The committee tells the programmer he has a say in the matter and asks him if he wants to see either Heaven or Hell before stating his preference.
“Sure,” the programmer replies. “I have a pretty good idea what Heaven is like, so let’s see Hell.” So an angel takes the programmer to a sunny beach, full of beautiful women in skimpy bikinis playing volleyball, listening to music and having a great time. “Wow!” he exclaims, “Hell looks great! I’ll take Hell!”
Instantly the programmer finds himself in red-hot lava with demons tearing at his flesh. “Where’s the beach? The music? The women?” he screams frantically to the angel.
“That was the demo,” the angel replies as she vanishes.
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